LGBTQ 30 Day Challenge: Day 28

21 07 2011

Day 28: Write a letter to someone. It can be a coming out letter or a letter regarding how you hate their homophobia or whatnot. You don’t have to send it.

Dear Friends,

I started writing this letter to my family and realized that you are my family and I don’t want to focus on the negative. There are a few of them that will be there through thick and thin, but I expect most of them to not be permanent fixtures in my life.

You know I love you. I don’t have to tell you that. I just want you to know that I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for you. I mean that literally. I wouldn’t be alive today if it weren’t for you. I would have long ago given up. But you showed me what love is. That no matter who I am, how I fuck up,what I’m onto or not, you’re always there for me. I can call you at the drop of a hat and you’re there for me. There aren’t words to express how I feel.

Thank you.


The Winds of Change

7 05 2011

Lately I’ve been feeling pulled in so many directions. Pulled toward graduation. Pulled home to Memphis. Pulled to the West Coast. Just pulled. But I’m not sure where to.

The more I think about the future, the more apprehensive I get. As kids, we all thought we’d end up in Memphis together. We’d all buy houses on the same street or at least in the same neighborhood, and raise our kids together. But that dream is long since dead. I’ve realized we’ll be lucky to all live in the same state.

I just don’t feel like I have a home anymore. I don’t feel at home in Knoxville; I never have. It’s definitely grown on me, and I have a few great friends, but it’s just not home. And when I go back to Memphis, I don’t feel at home there anymore either. Don’t get me wrong, I love it there and it will always be my hometown…but I feel like I’ve left a piece of my heart there, not my whole heart there. Memphis shaped me in so many ways (probably more than I’ll ever realize) and I couldn’t be more thankful for that, but I think the things that I can learn from there are few and far between anymore.

I really thought I had all this under control. I had come to terms with it. But apparently not. Ryan is seriously considering moving to Nashville once his year with the West Memphis, AR, police department is up, which is only being aided by the fact that he says his parents are wanting to move up to Sugar Tree, just ~45 minutes outside Nashville. Cassie has said for years that she wants to move to NYC, but I’m just not sure I see that ever happening for multiple reasons. She’s just so Memphis. Heather wants to escape, but I think she’ll end up in Memphis forever. She’s way too close to her family to ever leave, I think. Jason says he plans to move back home to get his Master’s and teach, even if only for a few years. He also randomly mentions working for CNN in Atlanta every so often and has for years.

But I keep feeling the call to California. I absolutely love the South. My heart is here in the culture and people, but I still feel the pull. Maybe just for grad school. I want to say that I wouldn’t even allow myself to stay permanently, but who am I to say that? I never though I’d be in Knoxville this long. And what if I met the perfect guy out there? Could I make myself leave if he wasn’t willing or able to? And the West is such a central hub for art in the US. Who’s to say I wouldn’t have beaucoup more opportunity out there? I know it’s pointless to worry about the future, but I just can’t seem to help it lately. I feel like I go through this almost every summer. And every year that I think I’ve handled it, the next year seems to sprout a whole new crop of possibilities.

BFF’s…For a While

9 12 2010

It’s always hard to realize you don’t mean as much to someone as they mean or meant to you. I thought I had dealt with these issues, but apparently there’s still some raw nerves there. I’ve known for a long time that I have attachment issues. I latch on to people and have a hard time letting go. I’m fiercely loyal, probably to the point of fault. It’s just part of being a Gemini.

I had a friend when I was little named Emily. She was my closest girl friend. She came to school one day and told everyone that she was going to be moving to Arkansas because her parents were getting a divorce. I was stunned. I had never had a friend move before. I went home and cried. I cried off and on for days. She was going to be moving over winter break and I knew that would probably be the last time I would ever see her. She got her dad to write down their new address and gave it to me so that we could write letters to each other. And write I did. I wrote her at least once a week for over 6 months. Never once did I get a letter back. I always wondered if the address had been written wrong or if they had moved to a different house than they had originally thought they would. Eventually, I came to terms with it and moved on. I even went to a different school the next year.

Years went by and I started college. This little website called Facebook popped up and I joined. Pretty soon, most college students and one and it was great. So, I decided to look up old friends. I found Jessie, a mutual friend, looked for a few other people, and then I found Emily. I was so excited. I sent her a friend request and a message. Before long, we were exchanging messages and it was great. I mentioned in passing after a couple days that I had written her a leeter every week for 6 months, somewhat as a joke and a “look how cute kids are” kinda moment. But that’s where things fell apart. I don’t know if she thought that was weird or creepy, but after that, I pretty much got nothing but a cold shoulder. The couple sentences I did get had a completely different tone. And in going back and reading the messages later, most of the responses were generic. All of the memories were supplied by me.
I thought I was over it until I decided to see what she was up to on Facebook and she’s not even on my friends list anymore. That hurt. Stupid, I know. It’s Facebook. It’s not like we talked much, but why delete someone like that?

I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how 2 people can be such good friends as kids and then have no feelings for the other as adults. I understand people grow up, they change, they move. What I don’t get is why I seem to be the only one who feels this way. This isn’t the only example of this, but it’s the one that hurts the most.

Part of me feels like I’m being a 3 year old, but my feelings hurt and that is real. Sometimes I wish I could just turn them off like others seem to be able to do…but I guess that little trick just isn’t in my repertoire.