LGBTQ 30 Day Challenge: Day 3

13 06 2011

Day 3 – How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

I became sexually aware, in general, at a very young age. I was “sexually explorative” by age 8. No one ever explained anything of a sexual manner to me, I just knew. My one confusion was how men and women “fit together” and where things went. I couldn’t tell you what triggered these thoughts at such a young age, but it was definitely a subject I commonly pondered pondered. At age 9, I remember wondering what would happen if 2 men loved each other and wanted to have sex. I knew that was “wrong,” but I remember that night clearly. I think that was the last time that a woman every entered my mind sexually.

By age 12, I knew I was gay. At 13, I remember asking my mom what she would do, hypothetically of course, if she a child that was gay. She told me that, depending on how old the child was, she would tell the child that they needed to leave and not come back. I’ve never forgotten that day. And growing up in a Southern Baptist household, only added to the terror I felt. It so terrified me that between the ages of 12 -16, I had been committed to a mental institution and attempted suicide 3 times. I figured that if I killed myself, God would forgive me because at least I hadn’t acted on being a faggot. After the 3rd suicide attempt, I came to the conclusion that I was so beyond help and so fucked up that I couldn’t even commit suicide correctly.

I was 18 before I ever told another soul and at 25, I’m still only 90% out. Although there’s been a lot of growth and healing, I can’t help but wonder if I won’t always have thees heavy scars.

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