The Winds of Change

7 05 2011

Lately I’ve been feeling pulled in so many directions. Pulled toward graduation. Pulled home to Memphis. Pulled to the West Coast. Just pulled. But I’m not sure where to.

The more I think about the future, the more apprehensive I get. As kids, we all thought we’d end up in Memphis together. We’d all buy houses on the same street or at least in the same neighborhood, and raise our kids together. But that dream is long since dead. I’ve realized we’ll be lucky to all live in the same state.

I just don’t feel like I have a home anymore. I don’t feel at home in Knoxville; I never have. It’s definitely grown on me, and I have a few great friends, but it’s just not home. And when I go back to Memphis, I don’t feel at home there anymore either. Don’t get me wrong, I love it there and it will always be my hometown…but I feel like I’ve left a piece of my heart there, not my whole heart there. Memphis shaped me in so many ways (probably more than I’ll ever realize) and I couldn’t be more thankful for that, but I think the things that I can learn from there are few and far between anymore.

I really thought I had all this under control. I had come to terms with it. But apparently not. Ryan is seriously considering moving to Nashville once his year with the West Memphis, AR, police department is up, which is only being aided by the fact that he says his parents are wanting to move up to Sugar Tree, just ~45 minutes outside Nashville. Cassie has said for years that she wants to move to NYC, but I’m just not sure I see that ever happening for multiple reasons. She’s just so Memphis. Heather wants to escape, but I think she’ll end up in Memphis forever. She’s way too close to her family to ever leave, I think. Jason says he plans to move back home to get his Master’s and teach, even if only for a few years. He also randomly mentions working for CNN in Atlanta every so often and has for years.

But I keep feeling the call to California. I absolutely love the South. My heart is here in the culture and people, but I still feel the pull. Maybe just for grad school. I want to say that I wouldn’t even allow myself to stay permanently, but who am I to say that? I never though I’d be in Knoxville this long. And what if I met the perfect guy out there? Could I make myself leave if he wasn’t willing or able to? And the West is such a central hub for art in the US. Who’s to say I wouldn’t have beaucoup more opportunity out there? I know it’s pointless to worry about the future, but I just can’t seem to help it lately. I feel like I go through this almost every summer. And every year that I think I’ve handled it, the next year seems to sprout a whole new crop of possibilities.

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