BFF’s…For a While

9 12 2010

It’s always hard to realize you don’t mean as much to someone as they mean or meant to you. I thought I had dealt with these issues, but apparently there’s still some raw nerves there. I’ve known for a long time that I have attachment issues. I latch on to people and have a hard time letting go. I’m fiercely loyal, probably to the point of fault. It’s just part of being a Gemini.

I had a friend when I was little named Emily. She was my closest girl friend. She came to school one day and told everyone that she was going to be moving to Arkansas because her parents were getting a divorce. I was stunned. I had never had a friend move before. I went home and cried. I cried off and on for days. She was going to be moving over winter break and I knew that would probably be the last time I would ever see her. She got her dad to write down their new address and gave it to me so that we could write letters to each other. And write I did. I wrote her at least once a week for over 6 months. Never once did I get a letter back. I always wondered if the address had been written wrong or if they had moved to a different house than they had originally thought they would. Eventually, I came to terms with it and moved on. I even went to a different school the next year.

Years went by and I started college. This little website called Facebook popped up and I joined. Pretty soon, most college students and one and it was great. So, I decided to look up old friends. I found Jessie, a mutual friend, looked for a few other people, and then I found Emily. I was so excited. I sent her a friend request and a message. Before long, we were exchanging messages and it was great. I mentioned in passing after a couple days that I had written her a leeter every week for 6 months, somewhat as a joke and a “look how cute kids are” kinda moment. But that’s where things fell apart. I don’t know if she thought that was weird or creepy, but after that, I pretty much got nothing but a cold shoulder. The couple sentences I did get had a completely different tone. And in going back and reading the messages later, most of the responses were generic. All of the memories were supplied by me.
I thought I was over it until I decided to see what she was up to on Facebook and she’s not even on my friends list anymore. That hurt. Stupid, I know. It’s Facebook. It’s not like we talked much, but why delete someone like that?

I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how 2 people can be such good friends as kids and then have no feelings for the other as adults. I understand people grow up, they change, they move. What I don’t get is why I seem to be the only one who feels this way. This isn’t the only example of this, but it’s the one that hurts the most.

Part of me feels like I’m being a 3 year old, but my feelings hurt and that is real. Sometimes I wish I could just turn them off like others seem to be able to do…but I guess that little trick just isn’t in my repertoire.

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